So, of course, this time I'll have my own list of allegations which - if Hereford police are men of their word - they will be obliged to treat seriously:
ALLEGATIONS AGAINST BILL WIGGIN MP
- After the death earlier this year of Osama Bin Laden he assumed leadership of the Al-Qaida terror network at a secret ceremony held in Leominster Masonic Lodge
- In the early 1980s, accompanied by Eton schoolmates known only as “Cammers” and “Osbo” he broke into BBC Television Centre and vandalised the Blue Peter Garden
- He recently attempted to steal the Stone of Scone and return it to Westminster Abbey. The crime was only thwarted when he was unable to find Scotland.
- He killed Shergar, everybody knows that!
- He repeatedly committed arson in a Royal DockYard to the extent that there are almost no Royal Dockyards remaining.
- He wore a burka on the Champs Elysees. You're just not allowed to do that.
- The Fall of the Roman Empire, by some appalling kind of psychic back projection.
- Attempting to persuade a sitting Pontiff to delete the ‘happy ending’ from the New Testament.
- Colluding with Stephen Hawking to destroy existence itself by creating a 4” diameter Black Hole in the Masonic Lodge, Leominster
- He was observed traversing the City Road in both directions, repeatedly entering, leaving and then re-entering the Eagle public house. He then, in broad daylight, popped the weasel
